Updates

Well, it certainly has been a very long time since I have written on my blog.  And it's amazing how much things have changed since I last posted.  As it turns out, one of the gentlemen I was interested in was also interested in me.  I had been talking to him on and off for months prior to our first official date.  I remember being incredibly nervous, but he made it impossible for me to back out.

The first date was surreal.  He picked me up at my apartment, and even opened the car door for me as I got into his car.  We went to mini-golf, which would usually not be my favorite activity, but I was being polite.  It turned out we had a blast.  He even held my purse for me while I putted.

It wasn't long until we became what the dating world calls "official" and facebook calls "in a relationship."  The downfall was, he was a divorced father of two very young children.  I wasn't sure how well I would handle it, but it was discussed that I wouldn't meet the children until we were sure it was going somewhere.  It seemed like an excellent plan.

As time progressed, we became fairly close.  I became more comfortable with this person than any other that I'd ever been in contact with in my life.  It was an odd experience, but enjoyable none-the-less.  Unfortunately, the ex-wife began to cause some troubles.  I don't know all the details of the situation, but he began to drift.  At first I was panicking that I had done something wrong, but in retrospect I understand the burden that was placed upon him.

A few weeks ago, he was told by the ex-wife that she wanted to try and patch things up.  This would mean he could keep his house, he could keep the kids (which are his world), and he wouldn't have to pay her child support.  He mulled over the decision and decided for his own sanity he had to give it a try.

Of course, I was heartbroken.  It's just the way it goes.  He wanted to remain friends, which is something that I ultimately wanted myself.  As I said previously, I felt more comfortable with him than I felt with myself.  Most of my friends thought that this would be a bad idea, and that he just wanted his cake and to eat it too, but I don't see it that way.  He's not that kind of person.

The last few weeks have been the most painful of my life.  I've had break ups, and heart ache, but this seemed to be the worst I've ever dealt with.  It got to the point where my friends cringe at the mention of his name, and I feel like a burden to them.

So, why after all this heartache do we as humans go back for more?  I definitely signed back up to pof a few days ago, and I plan on continuing my hunt.. but why?

Because the good always outweighs the bad.  I don't regret any of my decisions, I just miss the way things were.

So, my readers, Violet is back in the game.. or at least easing my way onto the field.

Ta!

Catch 22

Catch 22 is a lovely term that I can often use in relation to dating.  I have this horirble inability to gage a man's interest; or lack their of.  There have been many times where a man has been interested in me, and I've been utterly oblivious.  Because of this, I've missed out on opportunities.  While I try not to regret anything in my life (at the very least my experiences have given me the chance to learn), I've always found this to be incredibly frustrating.

If someone is interested in someone else, why must we as a race skirt around the fact?  It's almost taboo to flat out say, "I think you're attractive, and I'd like to cosider a relationship with you."

That being said, one of the benefits of using websites to find a potential mate is that you can try and weed out the bad personalities before meeting.  And the best benefit:  rejection doesn't hurt so badly when you've never met the person face to face.

Wikipedia says this of romantic rejection:

Romantic rejection is a painful, emotional experience that appears to trigger a response in the caudate nucleus of the brain, and associated dopamine and cortisol activity.

But what does this mean?  It means that rejection actually triggers a response in our brain that causes us to feel unhappy.  All these negative emotions are not something anyone particularly strives for.  So why not avoid the whole mess and see what plays out.

While I've been on the end of being oblivious to someone's interest, I've also been on the complete opposite end, whereby someone is oblivious to my interest.  Oh unrequited love, how much I dispise you.  One of my favorite quotes about unrequited love comes from a film:

And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. It's called unrequited love. On that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one-sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space!

It's very true.  It is painful, and something that we as a human race avoid like the plague.. or at least try to.

So, what's my point in all this?  Well, currently I'm finding that a fair amount of men who have contacted me have either spoken to me for a while, expressed their interest, or moved on.  This is what is great about the internet.  You don't have to see them ever again.   Real life, you could bump into these people anywhere. 

That being said, I'm currently interested in two gentlemen that I know from my real life, and a two that I've spoken to via the internet.  Which will pan out, if any?  I have no idea.  We'll just have to wait and see together.

-Violet

Internet dating 101

The first thing anyone who is not familiar with using dating websites like Plenty of Fish or OkCupid should know is that it is reminiscent of a meat market.  People look at your profile and judge you based on a few pictures, and some sample phrases about your likes and dislikes.  It's through this tiny little page about yourself that people make the decision as to whether you are worth talking to via e-mail or messaging.

Let's be honest here, no one is going to write anything negative about themselves in the short blurbs, so they are incredibly misleading.  Even when someone writes the truth about themselves, you can't get an accurate description of what the person is like just through those pictures and words alone.  That being said, I am very guilty of what I like to call "sneak judging."

Sneak judging is where you go to someone's profile, take a look at their pictures, and what they have to say about themselves, and simply move on.  What causes me to move on is pretty simple:

• Horrible language -- including but not limited to poor spelling, bad punctuation, improper grammar and "cute" internet speak (omg, lol, how r u, etc).
• Age -- Yes, I understand that in this day and age (no pun intended) age isn't as big of an issue as it was years past.  Still, if I see a 40 year old who still lives at home with Mom & Dad, I skip to another profile as fast as my keyboard will allow me.
• Awkward and disturbing photos -- Pictures of men cuddling with cats who are their "best friend" and photos of a guy with his shirt off and pants half falling off is usually a tell-tale sign for trouble.  No dice.
• Bizarre "likes and dislikes" -- Examples include men who claim the most important thing in their life is sex, BSDM, Pepto Bismol or their cat.

Needless to say, I can be very fussy.  But consider this:  I am looking for the possible Mr. Violet.  I'm looking for someone who could possibly be the father of my children.  If I'm not willing to be fussy, then I'll end up settling, and for those of you who know me in the "real" world, we all know that did not go over very well.

So, throughout our time together, oh Blog-readers, be prepared as I share the hillarity I experience via these portals.  And to all you men out there who stumble across this:  beware, I may be mocking you.

-Violet

A new year, a new diary–wait a minute..

2010 is sure to bring through some excellent new experiences for me. As I’ve often compared my life to the lovely spinster Bridget Jones, I’ve decided to document my dating exploits in a more modern format; a blog. Since this year will be the first time I start out my year completely single in a long time, I feel this may be a great forum to release the interesting stories that I have accumulated, and continue to accumulate as a 26 year old woman attempting to find Mr. Right.

I know there’s many other women like myself out there, and to those of you who stumble across this blog; I do this for you.

One of the hardest parts of the dating world is finding somewhere to meet new people. I haven’t always been a fan of the idea of internet dating, or at least meeting people via the internet, so I was very apprehensive when I was signed up for the plentyoffish website. That being said, I have–at the very least–come across some very interesting people.

There have been men who were just after a booty-call, those who thought I’d love to spend an evening in their parents’ basement, and some that even had some potential. But of the ones who have potential, none have follow through.

I consider myself a fairly attractive, intelligent, independant female. All three of these traits seem to be incredibly daunting to the average male going into the second decade of the twenty first century. What have we done as a society to make men afraid of the success of their partners? Interesting thought.

As I continue this blog, I intend to voice my concerns and share my stories. I hope to have an update at least 2-3 times a week, and hopefully some readers at some point as well.

Happy trails,